Miss Magnifique!!

Thursday, 21 June 2012

i just wanna talk about my mama...

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Dengan Nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Penyayang


the feeling is coming again...
maybe because now, there's less than a month before my mom's birthday...
dulu feeling macam ni datang lagi, a month before her tarikh pemergian...

i hate this feeling so much... because i miss her too much, that i feel like emotionally sick. i feel like dying. and i really want her so badly here, with me...

entah.
entah.
entah.




"if i could take  your pain away, adik..." 
- mama

"adik, you are much more stronger than me..."
- mama

"adik, i know you can do it.."
- mama

"adik, don't ever judge a person by its look."
- mama

"adik, kenapa tak makan ubat ni?"
- mama

"adik tak kesiankan mama ke kalau adik buat perangai macam ni?'
- mama

"you don't know how much i love you..."
- mama

"kalau mama tak boleh tidur malam-malam, atau kalau mama terjaga malam-malam. adik pulak dah tidur, mama selalu belai rambut adik, cium tangan adik, sapu losyen kat tangan dengan kaki adik."
- mama

"kopi yang adik buat sedap. adik tau mama suka kopi yang macam mana."
- mama

"warna ni cantiklah untuk adik."
- mama

"kenapa semua ni jadi dekat adik? this is all my fault. mama yang patut tanggung semua sakit adik."
- mama

"maafkan mama. mama tak sanggup tengok anak mama sakit. mama betul-betul tak sanggup..."
- mama

"mama nak adik dapat semua yang mama tak pernah dapat dulu."
- mama

"mama nak tengok adik berjaya. mama nak tengok adik kahwin and ada anak-anak. mama nak tengok cucu-cucu mama..."
- mama




mama, i love you so much. i'm so sorry for all the things i did wrong. thank you for always believed in me. thank you for always proud of me. thank you.

adik tau kalau mama masih hidup, mama pasti akan baca blog ni.. macam mama selalu baca blog adik dulu... you were so proud of me, because i was young, and i could made a blog. you told all your friends..
and yeah, dulu sebab zaman orang tak mampu ada komputer and internet.. tapi kita dah ada komputer and internet... even mata adik agak kabur, but i still made a blog. 
and ingat tak, masa umur adik 9 tahun, adik dah pandai guna laptop mama. masa tu adik suka main dengan slide show. adik suka buat slide show and menulis dekat microsoft words...
and i was nine, and you were the one who really thrilled macam mana i can be so good in computer...

ma, kat sekolah cina kan adik belajar computer... adik mestilah tau sikit-sikit.
but she was thrilled again, bila i can use internet well. i was nine, and i made my own email. i chat at mirc.
haha.
kelakar.

and then, when i made a blog, she was super duper thrilled... 
mama, you were so lurus and innocent.. but i love you the way you were..

you made my days and nights with your stories..
yeah, you had a tough stories. sad stories. happy moments. 
and you selalu cerita kat i and abangngah. and abang too..

i still remembered, you kena terkejar sana sini.. you ada meeting, but at the same time you had to brought me untuk jumpa doktor.
adik masih ingat, lepas kita pergi hospital, kita akan pergi meeting. dan semua orang dalam meeting tu adalah orang dewasa. and i was the only kid. 

i still remembered, bila mama meeting kat restoran mewah or hotel, mama akan duduk kan adik dekat satu meja. and suruh adik order whatever i wanted. and you will continued your meeting at another table..

and adik masih ingat, semua kawan-kawan business mama love me, and maybe pity on me. i was sick, i had no father..
and ada je ramai yang offer nak jadi my father. haha.

adik masih ingat, mama buat business with this one nice uncle, but he had a very jealous wife, his wife called our home, i picked the phone called, i really hate her, sebab she said you were janda.
tak boleh ke nak cakap you ni ibu tunggal? you had to suffered a lot sacrificed a lot just for us, for your family, and this jealous wife nak marah and mengata you dengan sinis. 
nak je i cakap, dia ingat suami dia tu siapa? hello, tak layak pun untuk my mom. uncle yang nice tu yang banyak bergantung pada mama untuk buat business and bagi isteri anak dia makan. lagi this jealous wife nak bising-bising. hello, kalau my mom tak tolong this nice uncle, kau susah tak ingat. nak je i cakap tak sedar diri punya perempuan. 

but of course i didnt say such things. sebab mama selalu suruh adik jaga kelakuan. mama kata, kita kena jaga nama baik keluarga ni, and kena jaga nama baik mama. kalau adik cakap bukan-bukan, nanti orang akan salahkan mama. orang kata mama tak didik anak mama. "you know right, macam mana susahnya jadi single mother?"

yeah, sejak dari hari adik angkat telefon tu, adik tau... sangat tau...
adik kena jaga nama baik mama, sebab adik tau mama suffered a lot. kalau adik tak ingat pesanan mama yang mama brainwashed adik since young, mungkin adik dah kata macam-macam kat the jealous wife tu.

mama ingat tak, adik sangat suka bercuti di pantai... adik suka tempat yang tenang. yang when kita bercuti we will have that peace of mind.

mama ingat tak, the really first time i started writing stories, masa tu umur adik 11 tahun, and you were amazed that i could write such stories. but of course my story memang banyak pasal true story. and maybe ada some of that yang imagination.

mama ingat tak, i bought my first mickey mouse diary when i was 8, i wrote a lot of my sadness in there.
and ada satu hari tu mama baca, and mama terkejut. you didnt know, 8 years old girl had so many sadness. and you didnt know what to say. and you just looked at me, sebab masa you baca tu you baca curi-curi, and tiba-tiba i masuk, and you just looked at me.
i dont know apa yang ada in your mind that day. because you just looked at me. and i guess since then you know, that you dont know me, but you know that i understand the world. i understand what happened between you and papa. and since then, you trust me. you shared all your pains.

ma, there's alot of memories, there's alot of things that adik nak cerita.. but my mind sekarang blank. 
but banyak mana pun memories, it's only 15 years punya memories. i'm so greedy, ma... i want more memories....

mama, i miss you...

ikhlas,
adik.

24 comments:

Asyiqin Haulisah said...

sayang, sedih saya baca post awak. really.

kura said...

mengguris. seriesly.

Ayiesha Sani said...

dear..cari la kkuatan untuk trus hidup..awk boleh..

deno said...

entry m buat sis sayu... sis bersyukur masih ada mak di sisi... you strong girl! fighting!!

mira maisara said...

huhukk :(

Iffah Afeefah said...

sedihnye

takpe mama awk nga tersenyum tu TH

sedekahkan Al Fatihah setiap kali rindu dan solat

Insyaallah akan lahir kekuatan mama awak tu dlm dri awk

shedameor said...

Ya Allah, berlinang airmata ni.

khairul said...

sory lama x singgah

aku HaniAsyira said...

sedekahkan apa yg patut untuk mama dear.. doa kita jer tolong kat sana.. mcm tulah smapai rindu.. but i'm really touching

Reena Shukri said...

semua org pasti ada kenangannya tersendiri..you can do it..nothing immposible ok..=)

kay_are said...

the only thing aku leh cakap sabar r ye.. mesti tenang arwah kat sane ade sorang anaks yang selalu ingat dan doakan die..

reenapple said...

tak mampu nk baca habis... touching... this remind me my biological mother tooo... =)

syafiqakarim said...

:(
sedih nya saya,sedih lagi anda.
tp,tabah ye.moga arwah mama bahagia
di sana.terus kuat.trs hidup dgn
kenangan bersama :)

alfatihah buat arwah mama.

L said...

urm.. sedihnye.. rindu mak...


jom baca kejap..=D
http://lolz-l.blogspot.com/2012/06/still-jahat-walaupun-dah-solat.html

chemay said...

sentiasa doakan yang terbaik buat mama k M?
jangan sedih2.
insyaAllah mama bahagia di sana.
:')

the typewritor said...

pilu,,

keli menari said...

Rindu nya kat mak..
Hmm semoga arwah dicucuri rahmatNya.Aminn

CaDLyNN said...

M untuk ade 15yrs memory dgn mama M..
akak ade 9yrs je :(

kite doakn utk mereka ye

aniswany said...

awak kuat dear,i know how feeling rindukan someone yg kita tak kan mungkin jumpa lagi :')

CekbOlat-bOlat said...

ur mama dh try buat yg terbaik buat kak M,now ur turn XD

penjajah minda said...

aku dapat rasa walau tak seberapa mana.*adik kena sabaq banyak2 ea.

Liselle MonCherie said...

Mom,the only woman that should be the ones that we should always remember and never forget them even in a second.InsyaAllah your mom is waiting for you in Jannah :)

Telor Power said...

beruntung ada mama yg ambil berat kisah TH

apa2 pun sedekahkan al-fatihah dan ayat suci quran yg lain pada nya.

si kiut lavender said...

merindui kan seseorg yg sudah pergi sgt berat..rindu yg tiada penghujungnya

terus berdoa moga arwah bahagia disana..
jgn terus bersedih sebab itu membuatkan arwah terseksa

skl percayakan M..M boleh lalui semua nih..percayalah pda diri sendiri ya..=)

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