Miss Magnifique!!

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Am I That Complicated?

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Dengan Nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Penyayang




i guess... i am a complicated person. i never make myself or my life easy. i guess this is me. 

entah...
aku tak tahu apa yang berlaku sekarang. aku adalah orang yang sering berfikir sebelum membuat keputusan. but there's a time, when i was too excited, and i didn't think much... 
but when the sense come, aku cuba betulkan balik keputusan yang aku buat.

it's not easy though.. lebih-lebih when it comes to something that you really really really want.

but like abangngah said, kenapa nak menyusahkan orang? i can't make someone yang i know macam mana condition dia untuk tolong i... even though maybe dia masih lagi mampu, but i really dont want to be a burden for someone else...

can you understand that?
can you understand how hard it is for me? to let go the thing that i really want? that i dream of?
it hurts me so much, yes. its hurt...

tapi, after thinking so hard... its the best way...

can i survive then? in the future? 
i dont know... 
but i know that i have self-courage.. i believe that i can survive no matter how life knocks me down...
i might not be the best... i might not be the successful person at all...
but i know i can survive... i will survive.,.. even i admit the future scared me a bit. but i dont want to think about that now... i just want to live my life peacefully..

and about the thing that i was too afraid to happened...
apa yang abangngah cakap tu betul.. no one can harm me if Allah tak izin.. the one that i should be afraid only Allah... why i want to be afraid of a person?

its really good that i can talk to abangngah when i was confused. when i dont know what decision should i make. its really good that abangngah always believe in me. always believe in me. he knows that i am someone who never have the self-confidence... i'm lack of self-confidence when i make any decision.  but after mama, he is the one who always encourage me, when i talked to him, the confusion i've been facing...

and even when, my fear of something bad might happen to me, i talked to him...
and abangngah said to me,
"because you keep forgetting whom you are.. you are my sister - your brother survive in mafia/gangster world since he was 15 years old. his name is reknown by those whom has fought with him. you are father's daughter - everyone afraid of him. enable to deny him... its the power of fear... you have the same blood as us..so remember there is nothing to be afraid.. absolutely nothing... except Allah..afraid or fear is word only for Allah.. other than that its just a piece of shit... this is how i'm being bold till everyone called me 'the one who has no fear'."

it might be difficult for anyone to understand my family condition.. who are we.. are we in the black side? or in the white side?
my answer will be both... 

the black is from my father and brother and their gangs... and the white side is from my mother and her family...

and after my parents passed away...
it seems like i try to erase all my background...try to forget who i am.. try to build a new life... 
kenapa?
because it is so difficult to explain who i am... the history is too long... and it seems like it would be just a talk.. because both of my parents already passed away...

dan untuk jadi anak yatim piatu ini... sangat susah... sangat sangat sangat sukar... walau the rest of the family remains... tapi, its hard when you have no parents at all.. you have no mother nor a father.

all the glory seems to fade away after their death...

and i always think how to rebuild my own life... how to stand alone...without using my mother's name if i want to go the white side... and how not to use my father's name if i want to join the black side which is i never will join..

my name is nothing.. even if i reveal it here, no one will know me, not in the white side nor the black side...
but then, if i reveal pun, what really i wanna be? a blogger? a blogger who has a name? her own name?
nay..i'm not ready..because i still dont know what i want to achieve in here... a writer with her own name? i will hurt so many people with the truth that i've been hiding... and i dont want to do that.. because a lot of my writing piece was based on true story. how could i hurt people?
what i write in this blog its just 20% of my life story... the thing that hurt me the most... and the thing that i couldnt talk with anyone how i felt before...



and what the heck did i write now? 
entah.. i dont know..
whatever you read is what i wrote la kan?
entah...
am i that complicated?
yeah, i guess.. because i make it looked complicated...



sincerely,
me~

7 comments:

Nisa Greennnpanda said...

no... I don't think you're that complicated.. It's juz that I guess you have a lot of thing up in your mind that confuses & bugs you..

and those you might say you're a complicated person, they say so bcoz they don't understand you or know you very well..

believe in what your mother has taught you..ok Miss M?

btw, hepi merdeka day.. ^_^

EL MARIACHI said...

no worries dear..just be your self...

reenapple said...

dear.. things are not complicated. But sometimes how we think make it complicated. Aku faham situasi kau. Aku faham perasaan kau. Aku juga pernah alami keadaan complicated seperti kau tp yg beza is our situation.

Aku juga pernah malu untuk mengakui my own biological father is my father sebab dia langsung tak pernah care pasal aku. But then i realized, kalau dia tak buat apa yg dia pernah buat to my biological mom, i', not gonna exist in this world.

Biarlah apa yang orang nak kata. Asalkan kau jangan mudah terpengaruh dengan bad things yang diorang kata pada kau. You know yourself better. Don't try to think that it's complicated. Just be cool dan solat istikarah.. maybe that's better. =D

Telor Power said...

aku amat sokong dgn komen2 si reenapple

mcm dalam lirik lagu arwah sudirman tu

"ayah dan ibu, ayah dan ibu....itulah permulaan kami....

the fikirman said...

apa pon x boleh~
malas nak baca
sebab gua malas nak fikir

Aishah Jahirah said...

biarlah nampak mcm complicated pun asalkan kita tahu apa yg kita buat... tak semua memerlukan kita reveal siapa diri kita,semua 2 terpulang kat diri sendiri.akak tahu kamu org yg baik2...

kay_are said...

bagi aku complicated ni kadang2 interesting.. status aku pun complicated gak pe =P neway, tak perlu rase nye nak jadi macam belah ayah or belah mak.. better jadi diri sendiri je rase nye.. sebab ko lagi tau diri ko cane, ape yang ko nak.. tu lagi penting dari jadi ape orang harap ko jadi kan..

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