Miss Magnifique!!

Thursday, 25 October 2012

I Think I Understand How Does It Feel.

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Dengan Nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Penyayang




i watched masterchef america season 3... aku tengok sebab ada blind contestant iaitu, christine ha...

when i looked at her, now i know, how did i look like back then years and years ago...

and now i know, macam mana perasaan orang bila melihat aku...

its good for her, sebab tak ada mata merah dan berair... because, back then, i was  not only lost my sight, but my eyes were red, painful and teary all the time...

bila aku tengok christine ha kat dalam masterchef tu, i dont know how many times i cried...and how i understand that feeling she felt... 

i wonder macam mana dia deal dengan sakit kepala sepanjang pertandingan tu.. sebab you know, she and me was not blind since birth...
and because of the disease and virus... we lost our sights but not fully... i understand bila dia cakap dia still boleh nampak bayang-bayang.. i understand bila dia cakap penglihatan sekarang ni so steamy and foggy... 
sebab hanya nampak kabus dan bayang-bayang..
and macam mana dia struggle untuk guna all her senses, including mata, and bila you put all efforts, your head will be painful like hell...

i lost my eye sights when i was 12... after balik dari buat umrah... 
bermula dengan kabur sedikit, and then dalam masa sebulan... phew... its all foggy and shadows...

now i know, why my mom cried all the time when she was thinking about me and looked at me...

bila tengok christine ha... dengan cara dia sentuh dan rasa... i remembered me years and years ago...

setiap kali nak pilih baju... aku akan sentuh baju tu... sebab tak nak pakai terbalik.. there was once, aku fed up..and felt like giving up.. sebab aku tak dapat cari my own baju... aku tak dapat nak kenal baju sendiri...
aku menjerit... menjerit nama mama dengan mommy.. because i was so fed up.. because i was angry..kenapa tak sediakan baju dan letak atas katil... then i would know there's a cloth for me.. and aku tak payah nak guna semua my senses and failed miserably.. and got the painful headache.. i felt like disaster at that time...

i still remembered...
pertama kali tak dapat nak guna mata sendiri.. setiap kali nak makan, aku tak dapat nak suapkan nasi straight to my mouth.. pernah terkena pipi, terkena dagu terkena hidung...i need a lot of practice untuk makan seperti normal dan kena guna my sense untuk tahu where;s my mouth... 

i still remembered...
bila mandi... setiap kali nak sabun and shampoo.. aku kena sentuh setiap benda..untuk pastikan aku ambil barang yang betul... untuk kenal berus gigi sendiri.. the hardest was untuk letak ubat gigi dekat berus gigi... 
kalau mama ada, mama akan tolong letakkan ubat gigi dekat berus gigi... but my mom was a busy woman.. she cant be with me all the time... she needed to work to paid bills and fed us.
and macam mana aku freaked out sebab ada benda merayap kat kaki, dan aku tak tau benda tu lipas ke, lipan ke atau apa-apa serangga yang ada dalam bilik air.. at that time i felt i lost all my energy and senses...

i still remembered,
i couldn't see things.. and only have my ears to know whats going on... bila orang lain semua tengok tv.. and i just can only listen... 

ah..
damn..
i dont know why i'm writing this...
these were the memories that are so hard to forget... 

i hope i can meet christine ha, and told her, maybe she could use zam zam holy water to put in as a tear drop in her eyes..

anyway, Alhamdulillah right now my eyes are better... even though kabur tu masih ada... but Alhamdulillah tak macam dulu. i can read, i can write..i can watch movie... i can write in my blog.
even kalau terlebih guna mata, aku akan dapat sakit kepala yang teruk... but it still good to know i can use my eyes back...
all those years when i lost my vision... actually adalah masa-masa yang agak mengerikan... masa-masa di mana i lost my confident... but it was precious.. sebab i learned a lot of things.. even though aku selalu kecewa dengan diri sendiri...


i might be losing my vision again...
i hope i will always be strong and take that as a gift... 
and yeah, christine ha is someone that inspired me...
at least i know ada seseorang yang not blind by birth... and berjaya dalam hidup..
well, christine ha, adalah pelajar master, penulis, editor and pemenang masterchef america season 3...:)
and christine ha lost her mother when she was 14....

maybe if i work hard... and not giving up.. and always believe in there's a place for me...maybe i can be happy and success...
amin...






me.

6 comments:

sukakartun said...

wow sangat terharu baca entri ni..kagum dengan ketabahan dan kesabaran awak. awak buat saya berazam untuk jadi sorang gadis yang kuat untuk tempuh ujian dalam hidup..tengs kawan

Liselle MonCherie said...

The hardship of life always teach people of something,makes you aware of the surroundings.That's why god created senses :).

aku HaniAsyira said...

terasa tgk diri sendiri dlm tv ei..

kura said...

syukurrr :P

shedameor said...

sabar. dugaan. nor, everything changed kan ? kuada Allah :) goodluck in your life :)

kay_are said...

wah.. macam2 dugaan datang eh pas hilag eyesight tu dulu.. nak pakai baju susah nak makan pun susah.. tapi ko memang tabah.. aku yakin ko pun akan jadi mcam cristine ha tu kalau ko teruskan hidup kuat macam sekarang ni.. =)

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